Of Cell Phones and the Balance of Nature

Perhaps you were holiday shopping and missed it, but there was an incredible atmospheric happening around 3:00pm EST on Saturday. The sun exploded and colored the sky in celebration of something truly eventful. If you did see it, I can certainly appreciate that you might have thought it had something to do about you. Sadly, I’m sorry to report that it had nothing to do with you at all.  It was– as these things usually are — all about me.  Specifically, it was actually about my wife.

Gorgeous got her first smart phone yesterday.  I suspect that the Dow Jones will probably climb at least 200 points on Monday because of it.

I bought my first smart phone a little over two years ago.  At the time, I got her a regular cell phone in addition to my iPhone to save money. This was a strategic error on my part for all the obvious reasons. Gorgeous has never missed an opportunity to remind me about my having a “fancy phone.”  I have apps for driving directions, tip calculations, road service needs, and yes– even one for WordPress to monitor my overwhelming blog statistics. At every opportunity when the moment is ripe to say it, she is only too happy to utter, “Perhaps your fancy phone can provide an answer for us.”

Our last contract obligation with AT&T ran until November of this year. It has been my absolute manifest destiny to get Gorgeous her first smart phone. After careful consideration of all the different brands and models, she decided last month that she wanted an iPhone Six Plus. I had studied all of the various plans, and it appeared to make sense to stay with AT&T.¹  We were advised by the store staff to return shortly before Christmas when they would finally have enough of that model in stock.

Yesterday the eventful day finally arrived. We both marched excitedly from the parking lot into the mall. A thrilling new purchase was about to be made!  At least, this was what I was thinking. I soon discovered, in that way that differentiates Venetians from Martians, that Gorgeous didn’t quite share the same mindset as your humble blogger.

As we headed towards the phone store, she immediately noticed a Victoria’s Secret next door and flummoxed me by making the decision that she suddenly wanted to go bra shopping first.  My mind had been all about negotiating a contract, and now I was suddenly standing in a very awkward, unfamiliar, and dare I say uncomfortable place. So I did what any red-blooded American male would do — I headed to the food court. I asked her to text me when she was finished. Forty five minutes, three bras, and several undergarments later, we reunited to finally enter the AT&T store.

After I broke the initial ice with the salesman, Gorgeous took over and selected her champagne-colored iPhone.  She then completed the process by signing, initialing, and paying for it herself. She also took my advice and deferred buying a cover for it in order to buy it from a less expensive merchant.

As the salesman wrapped up the purchase, Gorgeous picked up her brand new phone and promptly dropped it on the floor!  So much for her husband’s thrifty advice. Fortunately nothing bad happened to the phone.  The salesman, worried about any further drama while it was still in the store, used faux-chauvinistic humor by handing me the phone for safe-keeping. We all nervously laughed; Gorgeous with a reddened face, me with a sheepish expression. We then hot-tailed it to the discount electronics store several doors down to quickly buy that protective cover.

At a Starbucks on the way home, we spent some time going over the very basics of the phone’s features.  Gorgeous sent her very first text to her daughter who in turn replied, “Ha ha, glad you like.”  Somehow I suspect she’s not thrilled with her mother having a smartphone now. On a walk this morning, we used the phone’s camera to take pictures of wildlife. Later today we’ll set up her email accounts. She doesn’t know it yet, but she’ll need to name the device in order for iTunes to recognize it. That might be the hardest part of the process for her.  I’m bracing myself for a series of questions about whether this or that name is better.

But there is once again peace within the Force. An important marital balance has been achieved by eliminating the second-class status of the previous cell phone arrangement. Of course, I am using an iPhone 4 while someone else now has the latest and greatest model.  But perhaps that’s how every healthy relationship should work. There has to be a kind of reward after patiently waiting for your metaphorical turn.  This is now Gorgeous’s turn.  I’ll wait for the iPhone 7, thank you very much.

¹ A shout-out of thanks to a wonderful, funny, and helpful post from fellow blogger Kate.  I highly recommend reading Kate’s blog, but I must warn you that like Lay’s potato chips you can’t read just one. Thanks, Kate!