Problems Making Decisions? Well, Yes and No

~ snakesinthegrass2014
Source: Luci Gutiérrez via The New Yorker

“Why am I short of attention?
Got a short little span of attention
And, whoa, my nights are so long“

Paul Simon, “You Can Call Me Al”

A sibling of mine once complained about another sibling’s “inability” to behave in a certain or specific way. The accused sibling’s crime was probably that her behavior didn’t comport to specific standards set by the complaining sibling. I do remember my response to the complainant, which in the passage of time looks more like one of those pithy quotes one might see just prior to a commercial break on the Lifetime Channel: “We never really change; we just become more of who we already are.” If I recall correctly, I believe the response I received in return was something along the lines of a contemptuous, “Hm.”

“Hm” is right. Look in the mirror, fella.

I am currently working on some domestic projects, some of which are related to each another, others completely separate. What all of them have in common, though, are that they in competition with one another for funding. There’s a “pecking order” of sorts with certain ones rising to the top out of necessity. For instance, we just finished having our guest bath professionally painted, followed by a tile and grout company which came in to apply their magic to the bathroom floor tile. No longer will we have to apologize to guests as a preamble when pointing someone in the direction of the powder room.

At the same time, I am also diligently working on a fall road-trip for us to see family. We will be stopping in Chicago to spend time with Gorgeous’ daughter and boyfriend — well, to be clear, the boyfriend is her daughter’s; I’ve never actually met Gorgeous’ boyfriend — and then we’ll make our way up to Michigan to see the remaining cast of characters. The planning and plotting of the trip has been a laborious one for me. I have been sitting and staring at maps, both paper and online; checking and re-checking distances between cities; and carefully researching hotels for each night’s stop. This particular project alone has taken me over a month to sort. You’d think it was a tour of the Shanghai Province the way I’ve been laboring over it.

Me, behind the wheel, circa 1984. Plus ça change…

In truth I’ve never really ever mastered the art of project stewardship. The actual knowledge and know-how I like to think is there, but the ability to juggle multiple tasks in order to carry everything out is a missing screw of my inner construction. Sadly, I lack a certain… precision with complex schemes. It all somehow gets done, often even swimmingly. But my actual process, if one can be so charitable, evokes images of sausage making. Best to look away.

In short, I dither.

Not about everything, mind you. Gorgeous is repeatedly exasperated with me at restaurants, where I will zero in on a menu item and make a selection with milliseconds of our being seated. With her still admiring artwork on the wall, I’ve already folded up the menu and begun to look about the room in order to survey how long it will take before our waitress will arrive at the table. It’s a tuna melt, for god sakes, not rocket science. Bring it on already.

But in nearly all other matters, I’m seeing this tendency as I age to spend more and more time ruminating over details: selecting something, changing my mind, and then repeat the process three or four times until I finally get to anything viable that can stick. I realize that isn’t particularly a unique behavior trait. The world is made up of millions of like-minded ditherers. YOU might be a ditherer too. Whole marriages in fact are characterized by one spouse who is impulsive and another contemplative. Or both one of the same. In my marriage, save restaurant eating, we both tend to vacillate. While this makes for less arguments, it also tends to delay movement or progress.

Take our bedroom, for instance.

Prior to the pandemic and the ensuing lockdown, we talked about what color we wanted to paint the walls. The former owners painted it an institutional-looking tan color that makes me feel as if I’m sleeping in a doctor’s examining room. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with a voice whispering in my ear asking me to turn my head and cough. So a change to lighter, cheerier color is something on which we both agree. At some point in 2019, Gorgeous painted a large swab of Benjamin Moore Chantilly Lace on the wall for us to think about. Since that time, the world shut down, vaccines were created, we renovated our kitchen, Dr. Fauci retired, and yet that paint swab remains prominently displayed on the wall. We even discuss it regularly.

“The sun’ll come out tomorrow Oh, you gotta hang on ’til tomorrow, come what may”

With the guest bathroom thankfully removed from our current to-do list, the need for new carpeting is now the paramount domestic mission. Funding had been secured for its procurement, and that pot of cash has thankfully remained mostly intact even after a spring health scare that threatened to deplete much of its liquidity. But with our summer plans having been delayed by that same health matter, and the road trip now scheduled for the fall, we find ourselves in the all-too familiar position of trying to make a decision: do we replace the carpet now or later this year? I’m asking rhetorically, of course. Just be grateful that my neurosis is not yours to solve.

I keep reminding myself that all of this the journey to enjoy and not just the destination. Whatever genes passed down from my parents that made me this way are, after all, part of my absolute charm. I’ve gotten this far, there’s really no one left to try and impress. In time bedrooms will be painted, floors carpeted, and more trips — hopefully lots of them — will be planned. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, it took me two days to write this post. Absolute proof that I’m much more punctual with you, dear reader, than I am with my own life details. We aim to please.

Until next time…

36 thoughts on “Problems Making Decisions? Well, Yes and No”

  1. I laugh louder and dither more with each year because I look at a household item and think how long will I need or use it. 🙂 I especially laugh when the salesman explains the 20 or 25 year warranty. 🙂 Trips are challenging to plan even in the best of times so I applaud your efforts in getting it all set up.

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  2. “and yet that paint swab remains prominently displayed on the wall. We even discuss it regularly.” As per your discussions – is Chantilly Lace still in the running? Looks good to me. But I get it – it’s a commitment!
    🙂

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  4. That is a funny look on your face. I thought you were a well known actor for a minute. I tend to let the husband decide more the wall color as he is the one doing the painting. I do other things and one time painted the laundry room with different swatches of creativity and color. It was not good but for me, it sufficed. Actually, the husband has good taste! He also orders quickly.

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  5. Nice photo of you… if that is indeed you? Benjamin Moore Chantilly Lace was THE color at one time, but I still like it. We’re in the process of deciding on a color for the exterior of the house, much of which looks like your tester color on one wall.

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    1. The only thing more embarrassing than finding some of my old photos, Ally, are the albums in which they’ve been preserved. That particular one is stored in a red-white-blue paisley design from the mod sixties. I think there’s a project ahead of me to transfer to digitally and perhaps to more appropriately modern albums. 🤔 Yes, me thinks Chantilly Lace’s days have come and gone. But then again, if we wait long enough we can enjoy a revival!

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  6. When we first moved 2-1/2 years ago, we were so gung ho. We banged out several fairly large scale projects. Now we are weary (and somewhat broke). We keep pushing off the remaining projects to another year. Our bath (which really needs work) looks better every day. The thought of however long it will take makes me weep. More contractors in my house? Not now. Guess I’m a ditherer too. Chantilly lace? Go for it! It’s only paint and not a permanent commitment.

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    1. I’m laughing so hard at your bath comment, Kate. Our master bath is penciled in for next year. Ostensibly we’re thinking of swapping it out for a stand shower. But with the costs involved, I’m thinking it’s looking better every day too. 😄

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  7. Team Dither here. Right now, we have a guest bath to renovate (still deciding on ALL elements), a powder room that needs repainting (we have a swatch of paint on one wall similar to yours… except a much funner color), new carpet to install (need to pick color and schedule room measurements), solar to consider (fortunately this is mostly in my husband’s court), and future travel to plan. All of these projects – and this is just the few I can remember offhand – we’ve been talking/thinking about for a long, long time. We’ll see if any of these projects get done before we move to a continuing care facility.

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  8. It’s just that you like to mull things over (except at a restaurant.) I get it! Any change made to our home – paint, furniture, flooring – has a minimum life span of at least 10 years. So we better be sure. However, with regards to trip planning – one cannot dither when it comes to campground reservations. All research must be done well in advance of the great mouse click. But, just like researching hotel rooms, very careful consideration must be given to the accommodations. I hope you will enjoy your upcoming trip, and I look forward to reading about your adventures. This was an enjoyable post to read, Marty. No dithering on that!

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  10. Hilarious post, Marty! Chantilly Lace? Go for it. Remember, it’s just white paint. Fancy white paint. You will love it. I painted my whole house white (Behr Ultra Pure White) after dithering about various whites (including Chantilly Lace) for months while I was waiting to move. Now – almost a year in – I am contemplating adding some colour back in, in the form of wallpaper or paint on certain walls. Still love the white, mind you!

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    1. lol Thanks, Deb! Yeah, we ended up using it in our guest bathroom and adjacent hallway actually. So we have that to look at everyday to make comparisons. I think it’ll definitely some shade of white. Thanks for the suggestion of Behr, we’ll look at that. I’m all for hiring a pro again, but Gorgeous is thinking of our doing it ourselves.

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  11. Although I do confess to laughing out loud* at the Gorgeous’ boyfriend comment…I di hope that she gave you a good smack for that one! Oh did I mention that I read this post on a crowded ferry and all passengers around me turned to see what I was laughing at?!

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  12. Hi Marty,
    Popping in from Ally Bean’s blog (though I recognize others from the comments here). I think we all manage to dither to some degree. The Putterer is the big analyzer, though, while I tend to make more snap decisions. My understanding is that research shows…neither method results in better outcomes! So, I opt for taking less time.

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    1. Hi, Eileen. It’s definitely a warm and inviting crowd we all attract, with all the benefits of a virtual family but without the undercurrents of real ones. 😉 Ah yes, research. I gave that up years ago when I never did make a decision regarding Beta or VHS. Many thanks for reading!

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  13. Marty, I feel your pain. I took 2 weeks off work “to get stuff done”. Guess how much stuff has been done at the end of that 2 weeks period? Yeah… I’m pretty embarrassed I tell you, At least you know that you’re overthinking, or that your processes lack precision – me, I’m all at sea. The stuff is bugging me, and yet the days pass without my seemingly having the ability to address it. It may be because I’m still doing *some* stuff, or it may be due to the fact that I feel the need for a complete break, as I cannot for the life of me remember the last time I had one of those. One where I could switch off from things either work-related or family duty-wise. Time for this coach to coach themselves methinks.

    For what it’s worth, that paint is pleasant and will doubtless lighten up your bedroom, but maybe the reason that you’re prevaricating is that it’s simply not grabbing either of you. Perhaps you could have a bit of fun with large sheets of paper and some paint samples.

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    1. Or maybe it’s just so damn hot that our energies and concentration are just SAPPED, Debs. I know I’ve always been more productive in the fall and winter months. Retirement made me think those habits/cycles would change, but I don’t think they have, and this heatwave we’re all experiencing worldwide isn’t helping!

      I think you’re right about the bedroom — time to change up our thinking and go for something different and maybe even, gasp!, dramatic. 🧐

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      1. I think different, possibly even dramatic, could work very well with the colour of wooden furniture we caught a sneak peak of in one of your photos 🙂

        Our heatwave is long gone. We’re back to rainy old England here. My daughter’s family is heading to Switzerland in order to avoid the crazy high Mediterranean temps, only to find out it’s as wet in Switzerland as here. They’re thrilled I tell you (and eyeing up some winter sun).

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  14. The best thing about my life post-divorce is that there is really no need for me make hardly any timely decisions! It’s just me, living in my 700sq ft of rented space, so I do what I want to, or not, whenever I want to.

    Believe it or not, that much flexibility has been hard for me to handle, though I’m getting better at not really giving a damn if I do something when I’d originally planned, if ever, or not!

    The biggest thing I nag myself over, though, is the continuous movement of my writing “schedule” to the right. Maybe I need to move that up in my priorities, as you have?

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  16. Hi Marty, Off the grid for awhile and want to see what Marty and Gorgeous are up to. I use your quote “We never really change…” often, when we discuss people around here. Ha, ha…’Gorgeous’ boyfriend.’ 😊

    Your discussion/introspection on decision making is interesting. As you know, indecision is far more stressful than making any decision – especially when there is no right or wrong. I am not helping you on this one, Marty. Chuck and I have enough trouble on stuff/decisions around here. I trust the health scare/curveball in life’s plans is still going in the right direction. All the best to you and Gorgeous. 💕

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    1. I think it’s definitely something that can pervade and increase with age, Erica. On a tangential note, I’ll never forget sifting through a drawer of my mother’s in her later years looking for scissors or tape. I came upon three years of monthly electrical bills, all neatly annotated in her writing with the amount and date paid. When I asked her why she kept them she said, “I keep meaning to compare the amounts.” 😆. Needless to say, I managed to get her to shred them!

      I hope all is well on your end…. ❤️

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      1. Oh, no, “shredding”…another thing on my to do list.🤪 This past year I saw a couple of fundraising charities holding ‘shredding’ days…I will investigate. And, “tangential”…I will use in a sentence today and impress my husband…great word, Marty! Thank you for my smiles! 💕

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      2. Always in the name of public service, Erica! Re: shredding. I was put in charge of investigating a fundraiser for our temple. We ended up not doing it because the costs were too high, and we weren’t certain we’d break even let alone actually make anything. So take advantage of one if you can find it. We have tons to shred also. 😫

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