Guardrails

~ snakesinthegrass2014
Source: Freepik.com

The literal slow-walk that Joe Biden took to finally ending his candidacy was difficult to watch in real time. At some point, most of us have experienced a friend, family member, co-worker, etc., who ended up exhibiting some kind of diminished capacity. Watching the president trying to speak during that July debate brought back all kinds of unpleasant memories for me, as I suspect it may have for you too. His later display of defensiveness in an attempt to move on from the disaster, made him look like someone who wasn’t willing to acknowledge the obvious. It looked as if this man was in deep denial over what everyone else was readily seeing with their own eyes. Political and national security concerns notwithstanding, I couldn’t help but think at the time about what his family members were saying to one another. Or not saying.

In the days after, as we all collectively processed what we witnessed on our TV screens, my thoughts went immediately back to my father during his own twilight years. Dad’s intellectual acuity fortunately never really waned in any dramatic fashion. He still religiously read the newspaper, watched the news and his favorite PBS mystery shows, and never failed to buy his regular weekly lotto tickets. Physically, though, what we’re presently seeing with Biden’s slowed gait and raspy voice, reminded me an awful lot of Dad. His own walk slowed into more of a shuffle, and a much later diagnosis of early-onset Parkinson’s manifested into speech pattern changes. As his mobility became more labored, his determination to be independent took on the same defensive posture that we saw with the president during those days and weeks after the debate.

Family members, particularly my mother and eldest sibling, began to worry about Dad’s continued insistence that he was still fine to drive a car. Any talk with him about it was forcefully shut down. Out of desperation, my sister called me one day to plead with me to try and reason with him to hand over his keys. I knew that using the same arguments he was already hearing wasn’t going to get him to budge. So I decided to try a different tact.

It just so happened that I was in the market for a new car at that time, and I called to ask his opinions on the different models I was considering. After a really long conversation which turned into a kind of oral history about the many cars he had owned in his life, we ended the conversation with him suggesting I look at a few specific models that he thought would be good for me. I hung up with him trying to figure out my next move, knowing whatever I did it would still be rather transparent to him.

About an hour later he called back, suggesting that I instead simply buy his car because it wasn’t even a year old. I happily accepted. Problem solved. He knew exactly what I was doing, of course, but I think he appreciated not being forced into something. He created his own guardrail.

My parents in the early eighties on a visit to DC

One of the reasons for Dad’s initial resistance was that my mother had stopped driving years before. After she retired, a decision was jointly made that she wouldn’t need to get behind the wheel anymore, and indeed in her early sixties Mom simply stopped. My dad was utterly happy chauffeuring her to and fro. Trips to stores, doctor appointments, the hair salon, etc., were joyfully navigated as a duo. Even Mom’s twice-a-month lunches out with my aunt were accomplished with Dad dropping her off and picking her up later at a pre-arranged time. He was an Uber driver before there was Uber. This arrangement later made things more complicated as physiological changes began to manifest in Dad when he reached his late seventies. As with Mr. Biden, it took some persuading to get him to see the reality of his situation; but he also wanted to be in the driver’s seat of the decision, so to speak.

I think about all of this lately and not just because of the current political headlines. I believe some human frailties are with us from birth. My inability to repair, well, anything? Biological! My need for a calculator to add or subtract anything more than five numbers? Chemical! I long ago stopped trying to cover-up all of these deficiencies, though I do absolutely stand my ground when it comes to flexing my own mental acuity on important matters such as pop music trivia. 1

In our own home, however, I have been facing a bit of history repeating itself. Over the last couple of years, Gorgeous herself has begun to avoid getting behind the wheel. It evolved quite slowly, probably starting during lockdown. She will drive to the shopping center closest to our neighborhood, and also to a secondary one that we get to by accessing side streets as a short cut from the more trafficked main artery. Safe routes.

Slowly, I started to notice that I was being asked to “come with me” to other places around town to which she previously drove herself. It admittedly took a while for me to connect the dots. When I finally did late last year, and I asked her point-blank if she was avoiding having to drive, she at first demurred. “I just like it when we go places together,” she said.

I can’t say I blame her. I am wonderful company.

Since that conversation, though, I couldn’t help but notice and process what was happening. I brought it up again earlier this year, and Gorgeous admitted that she disliked driving on busy streets. Specifically, she said she doesn’t like left-hand turns at major intersections, plus the scourge of aggressive drivers who come up within seemingly inches behind to “push” you to go faster. Not that any of that is a necessarily new phenomenon, of course. I myself have always driven as if those around me are armed and ready to shoot. But recent research does in fact appear to show that aggressive and risky driving behaviors are on the upswing since the end of the pandemic.

Source: Tyler Butler / The Charger Bulletin

So, we’ve had some honest conversations in our home over the last few months. I told Gorgeous that I think we can find a middle ground. I don’t at all want to replicate the transportation dynamic my parent’s post-retirement life, but at the same time I also don’t want her being frightened behind the wheel. We’ve agreed that she’ll keeping drive to the places and routes where she feels mostly comfortable, but also be open and transparent about those where she’s not. Further, she agrees to use Uber when circumstances make it easier to do so. She’s creating her own guardrails.

I suppose I’m creating a guardrail of my own too: for now at least, I am not sitting and waiting at her hair salon. Dad was braver than I am.

Until next time…

  1. For example, the first album to be considered progressive rock is controversial in some quarters. Most agree on the three obvious nominees: (1) The Beatles’ “Sgt. Pepper’s,” (2) The Moody Blues’ “Days of Future Past,” and (3) King Crimson’s “In the Court of the Crimson King;” yet there is no firm unanimity amongst the genre’s most ardent devotees. The correct answer, of course, is “In the Court of the Crimson King.” Any arguments you might offer to contrary I will simply ignore because you’d be wrong. ↩︎

34 thoughts on “Guardrails”

  1. What a wonderful and thoughtful way you described for making it easy and empowering for your dad to do the right thing and surrender his car. That was masterful, Marty! Wish that everyone could come to that hard decision before causing any harm. I have always hated left turns, driving on holiday weekends, and on busy streets and highways, so no new modifications
    to my driving habits as yet except for one: I try to avoid driving on dark, rainy nights. My ability to see under those conditions has deteriorated considerably in the last few years.

    Deb

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    1. Oh, I wish I had mentioned night driving. Gorgeous won’t drive at night, and hasn’t apparently in at least a couple of decades. She says she can’t see the lines in the road.

      Thanks for the kind words regarding my Dad. I remember thinking at the time how there were too many people telling him what he couldn’t/shouldn’t do, so I didn’t want to do the same thing. A less in-your-face approach was the better way apparently! Thanks, Deb!

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  2. What a timely and heartfelt post, Marty. It is painful watching President Biden, and it’s also a wake up call that Trump will be a similar age if he wins. I’ll make this short and sweet, but they need a maximum age limit just like they have an minimum age requirement for the position. Now, moving on to your Dad giving up his keys. Pure brilliance in buying his car. It’s something we don’t think about until we start the march down the same path, and then it is front and center. My husband did almost all of the driving unless I was on an errand by myself. These days, it has turned, and I do most of the driving. If I can choose I go side roads versus highways, I drive after or before rush hour, I choose to not drive at night, and I just stay in town on holidays or busy tourist weekends. As you mentioned, the highways are challenging since the pandemic. Here at least, no one, and I mean no one, drives the speed limit. They drive 10-25 miles over, and because of the shortage of officers, there is no penalty for that except when they kill themselves or someone else. We have so many highways deaths, we just shake our heads. One weekend, the Highway Patrol decided to set some folks out to check speeds on a major highway going north and south to the mountains. They caught six people going over 100 mph with a couple over 130 mph. It’s scary out there with everyone in such a hurry and so agitated if you don’t drive as fast as they want you to. This aging is not for the faint of heart, that is for sure.

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    1. It is interesting how the age question turned on a dime for the election, no? 😉 Yeah, I think it’s all about comfort levels with driving. I don’t want her to completely stop for all the obvious reasons. Case in point: I have an endoscopy procedure coming up, and I need to have someone there with me to drive home afterwards! (fortunately it’s very close to home). Wow, you’re blowing my image of that bucolic New Hampshire feeling I have in my head — so you’ve got those crazy drivers up there too, huh? Scary. It’s certainly not the “See the USA, in your Chevrolet” world anymore. Thanks, Judy!

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  3. Some important points here, Marty. Well said. We have a few friends who we don’t think should be driving anymore. The first lline of defense is to offer to drive them rather than accept a ride from them. But défense is easier than finding the right offense. We both definitely prefer not to drive at night anymore, or at least not very far.

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  4. Your solution was brilliant. My mom decided on her own to stop driving. It was a bit of a hardship for all of us. She lived alone as my dad had died 20 years earlier. None of us kids lived nearby. I was the closest at a 20 minute drive. She learned how to manage buses to get somewhere and I would pick her up after work. My own brother at 94 is still driving. He told me 6 years ago that he’d stop at 90 but the loss of independence is too great. He should have moved into a retirement or assisted living arrangement to make things easier (bus service, nearby amenities). His driving isn’t bad although he’s slow (drives the speed limit). We are fortunate that he is mentally and physically fit considering his age. His only downside is his poor hearing but you got to have something. I’m not at fan of driving at night or on major super duper highways. In recent years my husband occasionally asks me to drive because he’s even worse at night driving (which we usually try to avoid completely). Aging isn’t for sissies.

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    1. I have faith that I’ll know when the jig is up for me. Luckily we have ride share apps and companies that were unknown in our parents day. I assume I’ll be a big Uber user, or whatever takes its place someday. I hope your brother makes that important choice for himself soon. It’s always better to make it yourself rather than someone making it on your behalf by force.

      Thanks, Kate! I’ll visit your blog tomorrow to check out your latest Randoms.

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  6. I’m with Gorgeous. You are wonderful company! 🙂 Actually, I hate, hate, hate left turns. I’d rather turn right, turn into a store or plaza with a stoplight, and then make a U-e and then out with a right to get going the direction I originally wanted to go. Drivers are very aggressive these days, and many of them are on the phone or texting. Everyone thinks he or she can drive and text just fine; it’s the other folks that can’t. Nobody uses a blinker, and in Florida, nobody took turns at a four way stop. I guess with limited years left, they don’t want to waste it at a stop sign. I am lucky; my husband loves to drive, and he takes me most places. And he’s wonderful company, too! If you have two cars, you could sell one, and use the funds as an Uber account for Gorgeous. Don’t forget to throw in the reduced insurance costs and property taxes. But she seems pretty and nice, so I wouldn’t let this go too far if I were you. 🙂 On a serious note, I have found these types of problems are best taken as they come. I’ve lived through parents and in-laws with dementia and more than one case of Alzheimers. My Grandma was mentally sharp, even in her late 90’s, but had cataracts and didn’t want to bother with surgery. The only time I thought she was “off” was when (in a nursing home) she pointed out the janitor. Then she said, “See him. On Sunday, he dons a priestly garment and gives out communion. What a farce!” She was insistent. I tried not to laugh, but now – even decades later – it still brings a smile. It’s hard to see those we hold so dear deteriorate. We just do the best we can as each day comes. Sounds like you did great for your dad.

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    1. Ha ha, thanks Betty! I do like to think I’m good company. 😁 Funny about reducing the car insurance by selling the car: in an “Only in American” moment, we discovered that if we sold one of our cars, we’d lose the multiple discount we had with our insurance company and our rates would actually go up. I know, right? Stupid! I’m laughing hard at your grandmother anecdote. A janitor with other duties as assigned, eh? 😆

      Thanks for the uplifting comments, Betty. I need to catch up with all of your wonderful cruise trip moments. I’ll be by your blog soon!

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      1. You’re welcome, Marty. Sometimes when I get behind in blog reading, I may try to catch up but mostly I just go forward. Otherwise, it can be overwhelming! In any case, I enjoy your writings and was glad to see a post from you today.

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  7. You found an elegant solution (and effective)! I can understand liking driving less in our current aggressive road climate. I’m glad both my mother and aunt realized when it was time to stop and dealt with selling their vehicles. My dad still drives at 88, but not often and not far (and I live much too far away to do anything about it).

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  9. Excellently articulated – what we go through with a loved one at later stages of life. As for President Biden: the first seconds of the debate, I knew…and then realized anyone who’d gone through ‘normal’ later stages of life with a loved one ‘knew’. I won’t elaborate on the quickly deduced implications/plummeting hope for what it all meant in relation to the November elections, but I will say: YAY Kamala!
    🙂
    BTW: I hope you guys are doing okay in the aftermath of Debby. We’re in for the long haul of constant rain/flooding with peak surges yet to come. Hopefully we’ll be spared the possible increased inland winds. So far, so good.
    😉

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    1. Exactly, Laura. It was that feeling so many of us felt very early in that debate (i.e. “Dear God, no not this.”).

      We are fortunately fine from Debby. She hit north and west of us, so it was (and remains today) a mild windy and rain day only. But, yes, it’s only just begun. Oy. Take care!

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  10. I loved this post Marty. The story about your Dad giving up driving is bittersweet and well told. Let Gorgeous know, I’m with her. I absolutely hate driving. Whereas my husband finds it relaxing. I drove a lot for years and years due to work demands, but no more!! Hubby drives whenever we go anywhere together.

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    1. She’s going to love the solidarity, Tracey! 😆 I used to be like your hubby, and in some respects I still at least enjoy a road trip. But I don’t find driving relaxing with all those jerks in front and especially in back of me. lol Many thanks!

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  11. I’m with Gorgeous (don’t worry, not in the same car with you as the chauffer), I don’t like to drive as much anymore. Not only am I less confident, but there are also too many distracted and crazy drivers on the road.

    I love your analogy of your dad giving up driving and President Biden bowing out of the race. Passing the keys on to Harris was the best decision he could have made… and none too soon.

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    1. You are so right, Janis. Just yesterday, I was driving on the highway and noticed a (young) man swerving from lane to lane at very high speeds, and barely allowing any room between cars as he did it. It was nerve-wracking to watch. I just kept asking myself, “Why?”

      We are definitely in an improved campaign atmosphere at the moment. Refreshing and exciting!

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  12. Isn’t it funny how those of advanced age once seemed so far ahead of us on the road that we couldn’t even see them, let alone lend a helping hand. Now we trudge those same tracks accompanied by the ghosts of our parents and others, some worryingly close to our own age.

    Terrific piece, Marty.

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  13. I don’t drive much anymore since Z-D started working from home during the pandemic and is now, more or less, retired. I worry about it actually. I don’t want to lose that ability yet it’s so easy to let someone chauffeur me around. As for parents and cars and the time to end it, every family is different. And I suppose our stories will play out in their own ways, too.

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    1. I agree, Ally. Everyone’s needs are different, plus where one lives sometimes matters too (i.e. public transit, etc.). The main game changer I think are the ride-sharing apps. So long as there’s always an Uber or Lyft, and they remain viable, that might be very helpful in later years. A neighbor of mine doesn’t drive and relies on them completely. It doesn’t seem to hold him back.

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  14. Yes, you were brilliant with your dad. And now with Gorgeous in different ways. I’m not entirely comfortable driving but better now that I just had cataract surgery. And, well, in the past few months my guy decided he had to put away his driver’s license (an entirely unpleasant experience for him). So I’m the only driver in the family. Needs must, and that kind of thing.

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    1. Ah…. you put it perfectly, Pam. Needs must is pretty much the way to look at all of this. I fought her resistance for so long, which only made things more untenable. You can’t force someone to be comfortable with something they’re not! Sorry to hear about your hubby, but at least we have more at our disposal now what with ride sharing companies. Be well!

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      1. Ridesharing and right now I am the main driver. My guy is finding out how difficult it can be just to be a passenger! 😏 Fortunately we both love the same music and sing-along as I drive. 👍

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  15. Marty, this is such a lovely piece of writing. Almost as lovely as your method of helping your Dad and Gorgeous to establish their own guardrails.

    Driving post-pandemic has definitely become more aggressive. Himself drives for 8 hours a day, every day, and comments on it often. It’s sad odd that a time when people were – ostensibly – being kind and appreciative of one another, has turned now to the opposite extreme.

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    1. Thanks so much, Debs. Writing has gotten increasingly challenging for me of late (lack of ideas!), so your words have the added effect of maybe inspiring me. 😫

      Yeah, I’m not sure I can wrap my head around the “adventurism” I’m seeing on the roads now. It belies any logic. But may we all somehow cope and survive as we go from place to place.

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