By All Appearances

~ snakesinthegrass2014
Source: Pixabay

“Tonight’s the night when I go to all the parties down my street. I wash my hair and I kid myself I look real smooth” ¹

When my dad reached his mid-eighties, he remarked one day about what a shock it was to look in the mirror and see this old man staring back at him. I asked what he expected to see instead. He thought for a moment and said, “a little boy.” We both laughed at that. A few minutes later, though, he changed his answer to a middle-aged man instead. I suspect he was looking for that best version of himself.

Don’t we all do that to some extent? Isn’t there a fixed self-image that we each have, which we then mentally choose to be our face to the public?

I’m not suggesting a kind of British “stiff upper lip” concept here, but an actual physical look that, at least in our own minds, is presented to the outside world. Of course, this can run the gamut from low-self-esteem to sheer narcissism. You and I, dear reader, are somewhere in the middle of that spectrum, of course.

I thought about all of this recently when I took stock of my own appearance. With more than a dose of sheepishness, I noticed a couple of weeks ago that I have “inadvertently” morphed into a state of dishevelment. Not enough for strangers to walk up and offer to buy me a sandwich, but enough to realize that maybe I’ve gone a wee bit too far in my pursuit of that carefree, early retirement vibe. There are probably limits in how far one should go… in letting themselves go.

So how did this happen? And just as important, how do I go about correcting it? Should I even correct it? After all, it’s the inner me that’s most essential, right?

Right? 

<crickets…>

The first question is pretty easy to answer: I’m as content as a pig in mud right now. I’m also very grateful to not have to think about dressing “correctly” at daybreak anymore. It feels as if its been light years since I had to worry about which tie goes with which shirt, under which suit, and with what pair of shoes. Let’s also not forget those special moments when I specifically chose brown socks, only to discover while sitting cross-legged at a mid-afternoon meeting that they were in fact blue. There’s no more of that kind of nonsense. In the last few years my wardrobe has mostly consisted of jersey shirts with jeans or cargo shorts. Casual Friday? Nope, more like Permanent Saturday.

My initial flourish after retiring was to drastically cut my hair and convert to a classic brush cut. I was going for a 1950’s “Biff” persona. This look didn’t win me any GQ awards but that was sort of the point. I was no longer a working professional. It felt good to shed the whole grooming routine of comb, brush, hair gel, and mirrors — especially those mirrors. Come to think of it, perhaps I do tilt slightly to the insecure on that self-image spectrum after all. But no matter: I had created my initial Florida image and presented to the world.

2014: My early retirement “Biff” look. Who’s up for bowling? Pabst are on me!

After about a year, I decided it was time to have to a full head of hair again (my apologies to the bald men out there who view this as rather cavalier on my part). This period also coincided in a very convenient way with my getting a part-time job and returning to work as a law librarian. Unlike the more august federal government settings of my career, this job was at a county public law library. Wearing jeans was completely appropriate when paired with a nice button down, open-collard shirt and comfortable shoes. From a sartorial standpoint, It felt more like returning to college rather than an actual job.

Slightly less than a year later, Gorgeous and I moved to St. Augustine to buy a home and settle in permanently. By a stroke of good luck, my boss asked me to manage a few accounts of hers at some Jacksonville law firms. One day a week I maintain the law libraries at a handful of firms all within walking distance of one another. At first I assumed this meant that I would need to dress formal again, or at least wear dress pants along with a shirt and tie. And so for my first two months I did just that. Slowly, however, I noticed two things: (1) most of the male lawyers at each firm were dressed quite casually, and (2) I was as unhappy as a pig in a sterilized room.

One day I made a point to ask one of the admin staff, with whom I had developed a friendly rapport, if she thought it would be okay if I dressed slightly more casual. Her answer was declarative: “pfft, uh… yeah!“  That was all I needed to hear. The following week I put on tan jeans and a short-sleeve button down shirt. My consolation to formality was a comfy pair of Docker loafers. My admin friend gave me a  wave and a hearty thumb’s up when I arrived at the office. To me that was good as gold.

And so it went for a few more months.

And then winter arrived.

This past winter the east coast of the U.S. suffered from an intense cold snap. Florida wasn’t spared, and sweaters, coats, and gloves were omnipresent for a few weeks in January and February.  Without even really thinking about it, I went into work one of those days wearing blue jeans, a flannel shirt, and sneakers. No one said a word; I was just that part-time dude who comes and goes according his own schedule. Gorgeous raised an eyebrow or two each time I left for work, but I stayed with pretty much the same ensemble even as the weather began to return to mild temperatures again, sans flannel.

Finally a couple of weeks ago, while using the men’s room, I did what I rarely ever do anymore: I looked in the mirror. Not unlike my father’s earlier reaction to his own image, I was shocked to see this completely unkempt, late-middle-aged man staring back at me. My shirt was hanging out on one side, my jeans were ill-fitting, and my hair was giving the younger Lyle Lovett some serious competition.

I looked like hell.

My apologies to Lyle, who I think is supremely talented and these days also quite a dandy dresser. Source: YouTube

This was my wake-up call. I most definitely was not looking at the best version of myself. In fact, I was mortified at just how far I had gone from an earlier period when I was way more fastidious.

The very next day I got a haircut. I also made an extended visit to my closet and started tossing clothes that are clearly no longer worth keeping. The 2000’s are long past, but according to my wardrobe someone forgot to tell me.

As the budget allows, I’m making a point of visiting clothing stores in search of updating myself. For instance, out with some of the cargo shorts and in with more dressy replacements. Gorgeous always dresses like a million bucks every time we step out, so maybe it’s time to stop the caricatures of Beauty and the Beast.

In the meantime, call me a work in progress. And yes, that might be a little hair gel you’re seeing. What of it?

Until next time…

 

¹  Joe Jackson, “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” From the “Look Sharp!” album (1979).

32 thoughts on “By All Appearances”

  1. As I am sitting here in front of my computer in a sweatshirt and yoga pants, I’m pretty sure I don’t have much room to comment on your fashion sense. BUT, I do agree that every once in a while we need to take a good look at ourselves in the mirror and make an honest assessment of what we see. I actually do regularly take showers and get dressed in nice clothes… I’ve even been known to put a little gel in my hair. Good for you for taking it upon yourself to kick your own backside and make a few changes to the positive (and I’m sure Gorgeous is grateful for your renewed attention to fashion too).

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  2. I think we are all a work in progess. Good for you for taking action. By the way, that’s a great line from Jackson’s song. Didn’t it start something like, “Pretty women out walking with gorillas down my street” LOL!

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  3. Be your most comfortable you. If that means hair gel, so be it.

    I work in a very conservative department. Many wear black from head to toe, even on casual Fridays. Our Tech Team has the option to wear jeans, every day, as long as they aren’t hole ridden, or stained. I once looked at my IT buddy, who was dressed in jeans on a Wednesday. He jokingly told me that I didn’t receive the memo.

    Last week, I DID receive the memo. I don’t have a weeks worth of jeans, but I do have a laundry machine. The people who wear black, even on Fridays, are cringing.

    As usual, your post made me smile.

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    1. Ha! I remember when Casual Friday made its first appearance at my agency. Management refused to call it that (even though the newspapers were already using the phrase) and instead they found a way NOT to say “casual” in their memo allowing us to dress down on Fridays. I think a former co-worker still has that memo framed in his den. 🙂

      I’m laughing at your washing machine mention. Yes, it’s not REQUIRED that we have five pairs of jeans!

      Thanks for reading!

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  4. I have really enjoyed being retired and looking the part. Nowadays dressing up means wearing a Talbot’s knit top instead of a brewery logo T-shirt with my denim capris. If I went back to work I’d have to spend a lot to have a suitable wardrobe.

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    1. I was trying to work in a Stroh’s or Budweiser hat somewhere in there, but I never did find a place for it. 🙂 I still have quite a few clothes from my working years, but they only ever get worn when we occasionally go to a fancy restaurant for dinner. I hope they still fit in five years time.

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      1. I have a couple of dresses and several skirts, but they are on the casual side. At Christmas I have to dress up a bit for David’s company parties (he has five locations!) but I wear the same thing to every one of them. I’m sure they think the their boss is a cheapskate.

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  6. Oh Marty it made me giggled. I’ve been letting me go lately. I’ve recently started dance fitness and about to head to the gym in a bit to see about joining. Now that I’ve got a lover I’d better keep him amused 😂

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  7. If my eyes don’t deceive me, there’s something going wrong around here.

    There is. It’s called age.

    Damn.

    PS. I’ve always loved the word ‘loafers’. No idea what they are, but they sound SO comfortable.

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    1. … and POOF! My diabolical plan to slyly suggest your next post has been discovered. I can’t get anything past you, Bruce!

      Indeed the advancing years have made it harder to keep my handsome “facade” intact. I’m simply not used to the time it now takes. Damn indeed. But thank G-d for the loafers!

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  8. During my retirement, I’ve done a few gigs, mostly training sessions. I always spend time in my closet planning out my wardrobe. Not too dressy, not too casual and definitely not looking like a 1990s leftover. I’ve been surprised at how fast fashion (especially women’s) changes. I’ve been retired 8 years and most of my working clothes has been donated and the rest looks a little dated. I try to stay classic and hope for the best. I’ve always thought that men get away with clothes more easily than women. I’d love to buzz my hair but it’s not a good look on me! 🙂

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  9. OMG… guys worry about this too?!? So, I’m still in the Everyday is Saturday for my standard retirement wardrobe. I have a closet still full of old (dated?) work clothes and think at times I could be the “Talbot Woman” if I tried hard enough (Gorgeous will understand the reference I’m sure… ask her!). And yet, cargo shorts and a T-shirt, once again. And hair in a pony tail. I wore my yoga pants and top into a store the other day …it was really after a yoga class … and felt like, who is this woman? I was a “suit” wearer almost my entire career (casual Friday came very late to my MegaCorp), so to be walking the street in yoga pants feels so breaking-the-rules! That’s my retirement. I guess I need to just toss out all those work clothes (donate, of course) and be done with it…I’m never gonna be that Talbot Woman.

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    1. Well, truth be told I really wasn’t worried about it at all… until I looked in that mirror! I think re-experincing winter — even the brief northern Florida version we had this past year — made me lazy and inattentive.

      I know the feeling about “breaking rules” so to speak. For the first few months after I retired, it felt so WEIRD not ever putting on a tie again. 🙂

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  11. The older I get the less I care about my physical appearance. When I was in my 20’s I cared VERY MUCH about my appearance. I’m almost embarrassed to admit it but I subscribed to GQ for a while. I can’t tell you how liberating it is to be free from all that. I only wish I’d stop caring long ago. Just wait until I retire. I’m going the David Letterman/Jon Stewart route. I won’t shave or care what I look or smell like. I can’t WAIT.

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    1. A full Walt Whitman, eh? It’s a look! I did enjoy the brush cut for the time I had it. But the “novelty” or whatever it was sort of ebbed, and I guess I felt like a bit of a hayseed. Perhaps that was the goal all along, and if so it ran its course. Oh, G-d, in my 20’s? I was frighteningly insecure and constantly staring at mirrors… out of fear!

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  13. You never fail to amuse Marty! Thank you for giving me something I won’t be worrying myself about.

    As a gay man, I long ago gave up that regimen of trying to keep up with the Joneses (be they Tommy Lee, Alias Smith &, Davy, etc.) either in physical appearance or wardrobe.

    I will, however, be looking forward to this particular retirement gift to myself in 1,430 days: https://www.wearyourbeer.com/thirst-novelty-beer-drinking-hard-p-22621.html

    It will have two martini shakers in place of the usual suds.

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  16. Hm, I think you may change your style a few more times before you die. Fun, isn’t it? I’m on a 4-week stay in Seoul with a small cabin bag of clothes, and it’s more than enough. It’s been 30 degrees Celsius, I’m mostly just writing, but also have to be on show sometimes, So one look is never enough.

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