Our local Florida community is nothing but vigilant about red light runners. Perhaps in your community too, cameras are strategically placed at all four corners of an intersection to nab those dirty scofflaws who blatantly run through traffic lights in order to make time. Never mind the old man who might be crossing the road, forget the young mother pushing her baby in the stroller, just mow down the nerd who’s in the cross walk wearing his goofy and ancient iPod on his hip. It’s just terrible that people run red lights. One should beware, though: those cameras have potentially snapped a picture of you and your car’s license plate. In the mail later will arrive a citation and a hefty fine, and deservedly so! I am told that in our hamlet the fines for such infractions are upwards of $400 or more. All of us law-abiding citizens, I’m sure loyal readers of this blog too, support efforts such as traffic cameras that aim to catch red light runners. In doesn’t matter where we live, we are truly all one community when it comes to safety. Right? Right.
It is thus with considerable embarrassment and a profound discomfiture that your humble blogger must admit to a recent “misunderstanding” of local traffic conditions on a nearby road. Heading to the grocery store on a midday errand, I observed an accident on the other side of the street involving three cars, two tow trucks, and several police cars. Traffic was backed up behind it, and I made a mental note to avoid coming back that way on the return trip home.
I do find it repugnant to blame my lovely wife for any illegal act that I might make in which she is not present. However, I also need to demonstrate that were it not for the tendency of Gorgeous to request the most complicated of grocery items on her shopping lists, I may have been able to focus better on my driving upon returning from the grocery store.
For the life of me, I cannot fathom why anyone uses turnips, parsnips, kohlrabi, and leeks for cooking. They are virtually impossible to find, and I can never remember ever having to buy them much less use them in a sentence. I’m also sure that I have never heard of kohlrabi, nor ever eaten it. Turnips, parsnips, and leeks I’ve heard of, but for God sakes are they even recognizable in the produce section? There are literally acres of lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, and onions. But the more esoteric of vegetables are nearly impossible to uncover. I would like to see with my own eyes how other spouses fare in finding these items at their local supermarkets.
Ignoring the annoying grocery staff who bother me with their impossibly friendly greetings, I walked up/down and back/forth in the produce aisle for nearly 30-40 minutes trying desperately to identify said vegetables. I finally did locate them, each squeezed in the tiniest of places near the more common vegetables I recognize from the salad bars at restaurants.
After finally getting the vegetables, it was now on to the cheese aisle. Who among you are familiar with Chèvre? That many, really? Well, I had no idea it means goat cheese in English. As Steve Martin famously said, “It’s like those French, they have a different word for everything.” Another 15 minutes looking for cheese, and I’m now closing in on one hour at the store to just pick up the proverbial “few things.” After getting the milk (specified as organic low-fat only; I am ready to hang myself by this point), we’re finally done. I don’t care how much Life Magazine is ripping me off for those photographic editions in the impulse-purchase section at checkout, I am buying that new Beatles issue for $12.95. I’ve earned it at this point.
Tossing the bags in the back seat of the car, then heading out of the parking lot towards home, I completely forgot that I had decided earlier to take a different route to avoid the accident. Sure enough, I come upon what is now the very last remnants of that scene further up the road. Only one crashed car remains, now pushed to the very edge of the road. Where before there were several police cars, now there are only two with their flashing lights glowing, along with one single tow truck. Traffic is now moving with no back-up, but I am unsure whether I should go or stop. Seeing that the men in blue are both talking to the remaining driver, I decide it is safe to proceed. Except… I drive into the intersection right through a red light.
Turnips, parsnips, kohlrabi, and leeks…
I am mortified! I slow down and look at the cops to see if they want me to pull over. Nope, they are still speaking to the remaining driver standing near his crashed vehicle. No one notices me. I proceed home, sure that the all-seeing camera has snapped a picture of my license plate along with my dumbfounded expression.
Chèvre and organic milk…
As soon as I arrive home, I race for the phone and call the county sheriff’s department to report my infraction. I am absolutely frightened of getting a $400 ticket. I explain in great detail to the nice woman who takes my call about my misfortune. She takes pity on me, says that she doesn’t think the camera’s enforcement will be in effect with an accident still in process, and she gives me the actual accident number (I had no idea accidents were numbered). She instructs me to call back with that number in case I later received a citation in the mail. All should be forgiven, she says. I could have kissed her! I suspect that’s probably a violation of some kind too. If not by police code, mostly likely by Gorgeous.
Let me be clear: I am not blaming the red light run on my wife. I say this not only because I have a fair number of followers to this blog who are female, but also because Gorgeous is herself a devoted reader. As Tip O’Neill famously said, all politics is local.
Darling, I beg you: a head of lettuce, some carrots, and an onion only next time, okay?
Snakes in the Grass 
I too can’t imagine what she was going to do with kohlrabi. When she did whatever it was, how did it taste?
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I have a don’t ask, don’t tell relationship with vegetables, Nina. It’s better I don’t know.
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Love kohlrabi!
Leeks, turnips, parsnips: you need to be in a supermarket in England…
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Tesco!
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I am so very entertained by you two 🙂 Love you both dearly!
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Thanks, Heather! The feeling is mutual!
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I am stunned that you called and reported your transgression but sounds like a smart thing to do. A few years ago my brother sideswiped a parked car. He stopped but had neither paper or pencil to leave a note. He drove the half mile home and was on the phone calling the police when they were knocking at his door. Seems someone saw him; thought he was a scoundrel; and took down his license number. All the talking in the world (he had not yet connected to the right department on the call) stopped them from giving him a hit and run ticket (which is far worse than a sideswipe ticket). I remember my sister-in-law told the police that he’s a nice guy and feeds the neighborhood cats. That didn’t work either.
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Well, I guess I had the same inclination as your brother — do a full mea culpa and see where it takes me. I needed to sleep at night, too. It’s awful having a conscience. But how horrible for your brother! I guess the lesson there is to stay and try to find the owner and/or a pen and paper.
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I’m with you, brother-in-arms. Tony hates grocery shopping. Or rather, I just want to go in and get what is needed and leave like any decent man with a sense of pride does. However, the wife likes to browse and yours truly gets bored looking at twenty different cheeses, ten breads from the old world, and things like turnips, parsnips, white asparagus, leeks, and now kale (the Lady Gaga of the vegetable world) when the good Lord clearly wanted us to just eat lettuce – and cabbage on special occasions . If we go to Wegman’s, a New York grocery chain that builds super grocery stores in the area with everything under the sun in 50 or more aisles, then it becomes an ‘outing’ that takes half a day. I’d rather mow the lawn six times that day and hit myself with a hammer rather than embark on an outing. Now, as to your running the red light in a obvious clear fit of rage over having an outing, I can’t condone that as I am a law abiding citizen. 😉 🙂 I hope you do not get a citation but you should be able to make a case for clearing your good name if you should due to the accident situation. $400 seems a little steep. I do have to say that even though I claim to be a law abiding citizen, evidently, I do have the word ‘scofflaw’ next to my name at the DMV. My wife and I were in Norfolk, VA late last year for a concert. Several weeks later, I got a violation notice in the mail from the City of Norfolk and a bill for $2.50 (a $.75 toll and court costs of $1.75). Evidently, I somehow entered a toll tunnel that required one of those automatic toll paying devices on the car. Since I don’t remember seeing any warning sign notifying that the tunnel was strictly toll, I felt unfairly cited, but alas, I pleaded guilty as charged and gave $2.50 to the ‘Fund for a Better Norfolk.’ Good luck in beating your rap, my friend. BTW, my sister and brother-in-law, who have lived in Pensacola now for about 6 years, say that the drivers there are incredibly polite (if two drivers get to a stop sign intersection at the same time, they just keep asking the other driver to go first to the point of ridiculousness), but they have a very unique tendency: they like to run red lights. My sister says that they see numerous accidents resulting from the running of red lights. The inconsistency with their incredible politeness and their red light running astound them as much as the local’s desire to have butter on everything. Perhaps, the very high fine for this violation in Florida is due to the natives’ tendency toward that offense. 🙂 Tony ‘Scofflaw’
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Kale is the Lady Gaga of the vegetable world! Careful there, Tony. You are ripe for the blogging’ world! The stop sign communication in Pensacola is straight out of a Portlandia episode!
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Whoops! I apologize for that. I meant ‘flashy, en vogue, spectacular, flamboyant.’ Thanks for pointing that out.
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Magnifique!
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Hahaha, hilarious as always!
I had no idea accidents were numbered either! I’ve never bought turnips, leeks, and I’ve never heard of kohlrabi. Although since I am in the process of exposing munchkin to new foods I’ve been making a special effort to purchase items I don’t usually buy to expand my horizons as well. Guess I’m gonna be getting turnips next grocery trip! Will keep an eye out for kohlrabi too 🙂
Good luck with the ticket issue…
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Thank you! And good luck introducing Munchkin to exotic veggies. When I was a kid, having an unpeeled cucumber slice was about as adventurous as it got for me.
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🙂 she doing a great job so far and I’m very proud of her. Don’t want her to be a picky eater as many parents have a struggle with kids who have tantrums at dinner time.
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Never did find Kohlrabi at my grocery store. Guess I have to look elsewhere — perhaps those freakishly expensive organic healthfood stores but my curiosity it two-fold, did you ever get a ticket? (have always been meaning to ask…)
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Here its sold in the regular super market, though I have to say it’s a very tiny amount probably due to it not being very popular. Still, they do have it, which I guess speaks to a devoted following.
Thankfully, no ticket arrived. Still crossing my fingers, but I’m probably out of the woods. Mon Dieu, what made you think about this????! Such an older post! 🙂
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Umm, I guess I’ve always tucked it away in my brain to look for it but never found it at my store. So yesterday when I visited a new store close to work I, of course, completely forgot to look while there, then only remembered this morning, smh. Then the ticket was linked to the kohlrabi so hence the inquiry.
Funny how the brain doesn’t work when one needs it to but remembers things out of the blue when the info is of no immediate use.
Oh well… 🙂
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As George Carlin said, “brain droppings.” 🙂
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Hahaha, Exactly! 🙂
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